I am not quite sure what was the cause of my failure to find my spots, but regardless, that's not an excuse. Some people might think that spotting a back armstand triple is the same as a back 3 1/2 since it looks the same but it's not. For instance, on a back 3 1/2 when I come off the tower I just think about keeping my head down on my start and then spotting the water is almost automatic for me. On the armstand, not only are you starting from your hands position staring at the edge of the tower and the water — which it's 33 feet below you — but as I come off the tower my thought process has always been to keep my head down and then to look for the water, once I saw my first somersault, and then I would be fine from there.

I have I always been able to spot my backs and reverses. That is why I've been so consistent on those dives for so long. I am a visual diver not a feel diver. I need to see my spots in order to know where I am in the air: without them I am totally lost.

Confidence Built on Experience

As the meet began I told myself to forget about that dive and focus on one dive at a time. I got of to a good start. My first four dives were pretty good and I was in second place only a few points out of first going into the 5th round. Leading up to the armstand, I was feeling a little bit concerned about it.

As I got up to the platform to do my fifth dive, my thoughts were to be confident, keep my head down, and nail it! As I came off the tower my start felt good yet again I missed my spot and consequently I came out of the dive early and left way short of vertical for 2s and 3s. This was the worst dive that I have done in a meet in years. After the conclusion of the prelims and semis I was in 4th place.

Although I was disappointed, I knew that I had the ability to come back and win like I've done many times before. At the 2000 Olympic Trials on the 3m springboard, I was in 4th place after the semis. After two rounds in finals, I was in 8th place with 4 dives to go, and I told myself not to give up and to nail my next four dives and see what happens. Well sure enough I nailed my next four dives and ended up winning the meet. So I had that experience to lean on and knew that I could come back to win. After prelims and semis, I had 5 days to prepare for the finals. The following day, Tuesday, I was determined to fix my armstand. The first back armstand I did in that workout I got completely lost, had know idea were I was, but fortunately landed some what near my head only smacking my forearms. That worried me a lot because I have always been in control of dives and at this point I had no control or any idea of where I was. I decided to forget about it and just focus on my next event which was 10m synchro.

On Thursday I won the platform synchro with Kyle Prandi. I was extremely excited at the conclusion of the event because I would get to go back to the Olympics and have a great chance to fulfill my ultimate dream, to win an Olympic medal.

The next day I was back in the pool again, trying to work on my armstand, and preparing for the individual platform finals on Saturday. I did several back armstand doubles on 5m, which is my lead up for triple, however still wasn't seeing my spots. I decided that I would go back to an armstand that I had used to compete before, the back armstand double half twist. Though it was a much lower degree of difficulty, I knew that I could do it well and be more confident with it rather than the triple. I did a few in practice and they went pretty well.

No Way Out

At that point I knew I was stuck doing the back armstand triple. I tried not to think too much about the dive that night, however I was quite sleepless in anticipation of the following day.

On Saturday, I went in for a morning workout before the evening competition. I had made up my mind that maybe everything was just in my head and I would go for the dive aggressively and confidently. I went up to 10m, after several lead ups still not spotting, I just asked Jay Lerew, my coach, to give me a call [verbal command during the dive] and decided to go for it.

I came off the tower and couldn't find my spot and I knew I was in trouble. Jay called me out of the dive, however, like I said before, I am a visual diver so I held on too long landing flat on my stomach.

This was really the second time in my diving career that I have smacked off of 10m. The first was when I was 18 competing in Canada on the very same dive.

From the Olympic Trials I was rushed to the medical room and immediately covered with ice from shoulders to knees. Laying there stunned, I thought this couldn't be happened to me right now at the Olympic Trials after 4 years of hard work. After some time under the ice we viewed the damage, I had badly broken several blood vessels in my thighs and my chest and stomach were covered with large welts. The water had also broken my skin on my part of my stomach. The doctors wrapped me with ace bandages to control the swelling and I was taken back to the hotel and had to have my breathing monitored in case of any lung damage.

I went back to the pool an hour later where the doctors put pure aloe on my skin in order to keep my blood circulating around the area and to help with the bruising.

At this point I wasn't sure what to do. Many people told me not to dive and for the rest of the afternoon I wrestled with my thoughts. Peter, United States Diving's sport psychologist, was kind enough to come and my room and speak with me about the dive. He helped me see that it wasn't the smack that I was afraid of, because it would go away, but it was more that I had no control over what I was doing.

Challenging Myself

As the meet began I took my normal strategy of focusing on one dive at a time. Since I was already on the Olympic Team I knew that to compete individually in Athens I would need to place ahead of Kyle Prandi, my synchro partner. The rules called for the higher scoring synchro partner to also compete individually at the Olympics.

I did my first 4 dives solidly and had a slight lead over Kyle going into the 5th round. I followed Kyle in the diving order and we both had back armstand triple. I walked up to the tower knowing that I would make my decision to do dive on how well Kyle did his triple. Kyle nailed it and that made my decision for me.

It was very difficult for me to stand there and decline to do my dive, however I had to do what was best for me at the time. I have never been one who turns down a challenge or turn away from fear, however there was no point for me to throw myself off the tower and hope to land on my head. It was hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I had no control over the dive. I decided to finish the meet by doing my sixth dive and ended up in 5th place and not qualifying for the individual platform event at the Olympics.

This was by far the most difficult decision of my life. I had dedicated myself for the past four years to have a shot at an Olympic medal. I could not believe that something like this happened to me at one of the most important meets of my life. I have no regrets about that day because I tried everything I possibly could yet it wasn't enough to help me regain control.

I hope my experience shows that everyone goes through the same ups and downs in life, and that in diving there are no machines. We are regular people who must overcome our fears and do the best we can. My best, despite my adversity, has taken me to the Olympics, so my advice is this: Believe in yourself and you can accomplish anything.